Warning: Spoilers for Riverdale season two, episode 11, "The Wrestler," are ahead.
This episode was one big wrestling match. As Hiram Lodge and this author (who joined her high-school wrestling team for all of two weeks) know, wrestling is not just about fighting. "It’s about sheer will, and knowing your opponent. Maybe even better than he knows himself." With that in mind, "The Wrestler" was all about one-on-one battles: Archie vs. Hiram, Jughead vs. The Man, Hal vs. Chic, even Veronica vs. the McCoys. So who got the upper hand, and who was left on the mat?
Here, everything you need to know about this week's Riverdale.
Archie vs. Hiram
Honestly, if you don't love Archie Andrews and Hiram Lodge, this episode was a bit of a snoozefest. But if you enjoy watching KJ Apa and Casey Cott (Kevin Keller, who looked like a damn snack) walk around half-naked in wrestling singlets, this is the one for you. After FBI man puts pressure on Archie to deliver results, he vows to get as close to the Lodge Patriarch as possible...which turns out to be harder then it sounds, since Hiram hates him. You see, Hiram knows about Fred and Hermione's old tryst, and does not think this redhead is worthy of his daughter.
Disguising his motives, Archie asks Veronica what he can do to curry her father's favor. It seems Archie can learn Spanish or join the wrestling team. And since no one but Jughead and Cheryl ever seem to be in class, it looks like Archie has to put down his guitar and head to the mat.
Apparently, Hiram was a big-deal wrestler in high school and is helping the coach form the team, and starts looking for any way to humiliate Archie while doing it. Archie's first opponent: Kevin, who takes him down with ease. Kevin may win this round, but he also ties with Hiram Lodge for best line of the week. “It felt so good, Betty. It’s like, yeah Archie, you have the physique of a '70s porn star, but that doesn’t mean you can wrestle.”
Hiram's best quote, you ask? Well, after seeing Archie destroyed by Kevin, Hiram catches Archie and Veronica in her room working on their music. “The thought of you two being here alone used to upset me deeply, but after seeing your performance today, Archie, for some reason I’m less worried.” HIRAM, THAT'S A CHILD.
Anyway, next Archie loses to Hiram himself, who's demonstrating a move to the rest of the team. It feels a little inappropriate, but Mark Consuelos is hot, so I don't care. Veronica is tired of her father and boyfriend going at each others throats, so the two declare a fake truce...which becomes real when in the final round of trials Archie takes down Chuck (well above his weight class). Now Hiram is fine with taking Archie on as an intern, for whatever reason...but is Archie still in it for the FBI, or does he want his own seat at the Lodge Industries table?
Veronica vs. the McCoys
While a good portion of this episode happened in a high-school auditorium, the rest of the town was focused on Pickens Day, a celebration of the general who, bankrolled by Cheryl's ancestor Barnabas B. Blossom, founded Riverdale. The Lodges and Fred Andrews want to turn the event into a massive celebration as sort of a introduction to the SoDale project and as a way to create goodwill between the North and South Side. Not quite sure how asking the Serpents to work security will scream inclusion, but what do I know?
Veronica wants to perform with Josie and the Pussycats (who are still not on speaking terms), because of course she does. Josie's initially into it, but her mom is less than pleased. She poisons the friendship between Josie and Veronica by telling her that the Lodges are basically the mafia. "My mom may have to do what your parents want, but I don't have to do what you want," she tells V when she quits.
Hermione offers to talk to Sierra McCoy, but V's a Lodge businesswoman now, and she can be just as cold as her parents. At the Pickens festival, Fred Andrews introduces Veronica and the Pussycats, aptly singing "Union of the Snake" by Duran Duran. Sorry, Josie.
Jughead vs. the Man
Oh Juggie, what am I going to do with you? While I was right about Jughead being bitter about the Serpents' intended role at the Pickens Park festival, his form of revenge was the epitome of white privilege. After interviewing the oldest living Serpent (Toni Topaz's grandfather) for a school project, he discovers the South Side land was actually stolen from the Uktena tribe in a massacre led by none other than General Pickens and funded by Barnabas Blossom. In a "battle" that lasted only 12 minutes, 400 innocent men, women, and children were killed. All that's left of the Uktena are the current Southside Serpents.
Without permission from his subject, Jughead publishes the story in the Riverdale High paper, with one line that particularly infuriates Toni Topaz: "Instead of honoring men like General Pickens and Hiram Lodge, reparations must be paid to men like Thomas Topaz, who are too old and beaten down to fight back for themselves." Toni is right: This was not Jughead's story to tell, and the elder Topaz should not have been used as a "prop for your insane vendetta against the North Side."
Luckily, Jughead is able to make amends after apologizing to Thomas Topaz. But he opened an old wound, and something has to be done, so the Serpents stage a powerful protest during the Pickens festival, right in the middle of Veronica's performance. (Karma!)
Hiram Lodge saves face by applauding the protesters for using their voices, but the damage is done. The next day, the statue of General Pickens is found beheaded.
Hal vs. Chic
Okay, apparently we weren't supposed to know Chic was a cam boy. I revealed it in the last recap after some sophisticated deductive reasoning (i.e. his discussion of "clients" and, you know, his camera, tripod, and laptop being on full display). But I guess Betty and Alice didn't notice.
Kevin had recognizes him and does some digging. When he reveals the truth to Betty, instead of being concerned, she's "fascinated." B gifts Chic a new laptop and camera—his was destroyed by the man who attacked him last episode—and asks him to show her how to "escape" and "get away from the darkness I feel inside." So I guess we should expect more stripteases from the youngest Cooper.
But back to Hal and Chic. There is officially no way Chic is Hal's kid. He's intensely hostile towards the new Cooper, going so far as to say, "You sit in Polly's chair and you sleep in her bed. You're filling a void, that's all." Which, ouch.
So when Hal goes snooping and discovers Chic's hidden profession, he shows up to the Pickens festival in a rage. "He has to go, Alice, and you damn well know why," he says. I'll take, "Who is FP Jones' illegitimate child for 500," Alex. Unfortunately for him, Alice is completely unfazed and threatens to kick Hal out of the house again if she has to.
Ultimately, Hal is left on his own, only to be approached by Penelope Blossom, who's really leaning into her new source of income. I'd say this round goes to Chic.
