Calvin Harris' Birthday Card: We Need to Talk About It. Now.

[instagram ]https://www.instagram.com/p/BJvyJ6uAFmt/?taken-by=calvinharris&hl=en[/instagram]

Last week Idris Elba posted a photo in which he was drenched in sweat and clad only in his underwear on Instagram. It was... everything.

Forehead, Photograph, Headgear, Blazer, Temple, Chest, Flower Arranging, Floristry, Floral design, Houseplant,

Not to be outdone, Calvin Harris, world-renowned DJ, posted the snap above on Instagram yesterday.

Finger, Lip, Cheek, People, Fun, Yellow, Brown, Skin, Forehead, Eyebrow,

I have so many feelings about this. I have every feeling about this.

You can't hate on him, really. In a short couple of years he's gone from Adam Wiles, your nebbish, emo high school boyfriend who makes Soundcloud mixtapes in his basement, to Calvin Harris, the Ryan Gosling lookalike who you went on a surprisingly successful Tinder date with last week. He completed a full She's All That on himself. Isn't that the American dream?

(And yes, I know he's not American. Now. After hearing him speak at the VMAs. I was shewk. I was like "What in the Eliza Doolittle is happening right now? Is he for real Scottish or is he just Madonna?" Life is full of surprises.)

Calvin Harris Before:

Ear, Cheek, Chin, Forehead, Shoulder, Eyebrow, Photograph, White, Style, Monochrome photography,

Calvin Harris After:

Human body, Shoulder, Human leg, Photograph, Chest, Joint, Elbow, Standing, Barechested, Trunk,

Oh for real?!

Cheek, Hairstyle, Chin, Forehead, Eyebrow, Mammal, Jaw, Black hair, Temple, Black,

Calvin Harris must have been working out in that gym from Kanye's "Fade" music video. What is the attire policy for this gym? Clothing optional; sheep preferable? And what are these calisthenics she is doing, child? I did not learn this on Sweatin' to the Oldies and I am pissed about it.

Human leg, Photograph, Joint, Knee, Elbow, Thigh, Muscle, Back, Snapshot, Hip,

I don't know what category of fitness this falls into but I believe it's called Butt-ercise. Exercising with your butt. Not to be confused with Buttercise, which is when you eat your weight in icing and tell yourself it's good fat. Like an avocado.

Nose, Ear, Cheek, Skin, Chin, Forehead, Shoulder, Eyebrow, Textile, Photograph,

Anyway, Calvin Harris has been clearly eating his butter. And he's not afraid to show it. But this latest glimpse on Insta is a whole other thing. It's a horse of a different color. Or a stick of a different butter.

[instagram ]https://www.instagram.com/p/BJvyJ6uAFmt/?taken-by=calvinharris&hl=en[/instagram]

I have so many questions about this.

First of all, why?

Calvin Harris: I want to get my manager a birthday gift.

Friend/Instagram Assistant: How about a watch?

Calvin Harris: I got him that last year. What's something he doesn't have?

Friend: A spoonula from Williams-Sonoma?

Calvin: Is that a vampire spoon?

Friend: No, but that's brilliant. Write that down.

Calvin: You write that down.

Friend: I only write things down on Instagram. Do you have a Post-It Note Assistant?

Calvin: Agh! No. Such an Adam Wiles thing to do. I have a Bullet Journal Guru. I'll call her.

Friend: Cool. So, what about your manager's birthday present?

Calvin: How about I just take off all my clothes?

Friend: Perfect.

Calvin: Happy birthday. Here's a package.

Publication, Reading, Book, Sweater, Book cover, Student,

I mean, I'm no celebrity but I don't think this is how it works. Any of it. I don't think this is how anything works.

Audio equipment, Microphone, Cheek, Chin, Forehead, Eyebrow, Collar, Jaw, Technology, Temple,

But what do I know? I still interviewing for a Bullet Journal Guru. That said, I did recently start working with a manager. But I'm pretty sure it's not customary to send birthday greetings with half-naked blurry Instagram photos. Jennifer, can you confirm this for me? I don't want to be rude.