Oprah proudly showed off her new CBS ID card on Instagram yesterday like someone who was not the most famous person on the planet.
Looking deceptively like a new employee who could not buy the entire network in an instant, Oprah posed in front of the CBS offices where, presumably, she had to find out where the ID card office was, check the hours they were open, fill out a form as if it were not plainly obvious that she was, in fact, Oprah Winfrey, and then stand in front of a blue screen whilst someone took her picture with a little computer desk cam.
Amazing!
I could identify Oprah at a thousand paces. The other day I walked by Gayle King while she was coming into the Hearst Offices and I just shouted "Gayle King!" Security was like "That's good enough for us. Right this way, ma'am."
I love that they gave Oprah an ID card when really she could just hand out copies of O, The Oprah Magazine. I imagine it would get cumbersome, though, and those probably don't swipe very well in office doors. Which is a design flaw. In office doors.
If your office doesn't open at the touch of an O Magazine, you should file a complaint with the Better Business Bureau.
I need to know more about the ID-procuring process. Did Oprah smile awkwardly for her photo ID, or did she look serious? Did she futz with her hair in the bathroom beforehand, imagining for a brief moment that she was not one of the photographed people in the universe?
Honestly, what is Oprah going to do with this ID badge? Did someone go over how she could load dollars on to the card that could be used at the CBS cafeteria?
Did that person make a small joke about how much Jim Parsons likes the corn jalapeno salad in the cafeteria (which obviously is not true but it's always a big hit during orientation and the corn jalapeno salad is quite good.)
Did they make Oprah watch an educational video about workplace harassment? Did they rename orientation Oprientation? If not, why not?
Did Human Resources tell her about the benefits package, including the employee gym and the smoking cessation program? At the end, did Oprah lean across the table, grasp the hand of the HR manager and say "This was wonderful. I just want to make sure you know that I see the human in human resources"? Did Oprah then pull from her purse the DVD copy of Episode 149 from season 13 of The Oprah Winfrey Show, entitled "You do a great job!" Did she slide the episode, which originally aired in July of 1999, across the table before standing and saying meaningfully, "I will never forget this as long as I live. Now, where do I get my parking sticker?"
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