If you, like us, feel like it's been too long since you heard John Mayer say something good and ridiculous then buckle up, because his newest New York Times profile is chock full of John Mayer gems. By the time you're done you may not even remember that time he called Jessica Simpson "sexual napalm." Or described his love of white women as his having a "David Duke cock." Or—never mind. Here are some things we learned about John Mayer.

He is confused, to say the least

Here are all the ways John Mayer describes himself:

"My GPS was shattered, just shattered."

"I started to invent my own grenade."

"A Mack Truck without brakes."

"What I did was probably semiconsciously just reboot it — control, alt, delete."

"It was an induced coma."

"It was cat and mouse, and the mouse lost."

Hmm, I don't think we have enough metaphors to fully comprehend the situation, John, could you elaborate?

He wants to be music's George Clooney

"There's a guy who can make art house films and then just decide that he's going to be in a blockbuster." From now on, he just wants to write blockbuster pop songs, stuff that "moves and throbs and has women in it again."

His single "Still Feel Like Your Man" is about his ex, Katy Perry, and he wants you to shut up about it

"Who else would I be thinking about? And by the way, it's a testament to the fact that I have not dated a lot of people in the last five, six years. That was my only relationship. So it's like, give me this, people." Fair enough.

The song reminds him of "ancient Japanese R&B"

Whatever that is.

He may have a geisha for no reason in his latest music video but he is totally woke

The video for "Still Feel Like Your Man" involves a bamboo forest, a woman dressed as a geisha, and people in giant panda suits. He calls it a "disco dojo," and it's super authentic, guys. "I think we were as sensitive as we could possibly be. It was discussed at every juncture. Part of cultural appropriation is blindness. I'm on the right side of the line because it's an idea for the video that has a very multiethnic casting, and nobody who is white or non-Asian is playing an Asian person." See? Totally cool, you're not allowed to criticize him.

He wants a baby

"I wish there was somebody to throw me the 40th," he said. "I want the baby with the protective earphones."

He's quit drinking and taken up smoking pot in the most academic way ever

"I'm actually very thoughtfully entering cannabis life." Read that again. It's beautiful. We can't wait for his marijuana-focused GOOP venture.

He is a bad boy, but like a bad bad boy

"You can even break 'bad boy' into good bad boy and bad bad boy — I somehow managed to become a bad version of a bad boy." What?

Bonus: Not John Mayer, but here's how the New York Times says "talks about masturbation"

"Chronicled his onanism in horrific detail."