Honey! Your fave, Maxine Waters, is back at it again. She showed up on All In with your bespectacled boo, Chris Hayes, last night, and they did a double act to beat the band.
And I know what you're thinking, "I don't think Hayes got in more than three words in that interview." Girl, three is generous! That's how they roll.
Chris Hayes: Do you—
Congresswoman Maxine Waters: (Seven-minute Shonda Rhimes monologue, followed by self-satisfied grin, closing with the passing of the offering basket and a grand jeté.)
The entire All In interview is about eight glorious, soul-stirring minutes long, but here's a clip. It's about 90 seconds. An amuse-bouche of getting your entire life.
Congresswoman Maxine Waters isn't even reading these fools anymore. She has completely leveled up. She is like Scarlett Johansson in Lucy, that movie where she was using like 100 percent of her brain and she can control televisions and tell the future. That's Maxine Waters. Except with reading. We don't even have a word for what she's doing yet.
Honestly, I wasn't even going to write about Bill O'Reilly's comments about her hair today. And I'm not, actually. I'm writing about Congresswoman Waters. Because Bill O'Reilly (whoever that is) can't come for her. He wasn't sent for. His hairline doesn't have the range. She has 40 years of political receipts. He has tired, racist dog whistles about hair. These are not equivalent. If he thinks he was reading her, he needs Hooked on Phonics.
So, dearly beloved, we are not gathered here today to talk about the schoolyard taunts of a talking head. We are gathered in the Church of Maxine.
All right, now that we've gotten that out of the way. Let's begin. Pass the offering plate.
This interview is a symphony. Brahms could never!
Chris Hayes starts off by asking Rep. Waters whether she has a comment about O'Reilly's words. Her response:
If ever there was an expression that said "When you play me, you play yourself," it's this face.
If ever there was an expression that said "I don't know him," it's this face.
If ever there was an expression that said "Oh, he tried it," it's this face.
Maxine Waters isn't here for him. She's not here for the president, so do you think she's here for Bill O'Reilly? She is absent. Her face says, "Uh, you can mark me down as permanently on leave from your patriarchal nonsense."
She tells Chris Hayes, "No, I'm not responding to him. First of all, let me thank Hillary Clinton for standing up for all women, in particular for black women."
Ma'am, the Olympic committee called. They would like to give that extraordinary pivot a gold medal. And a silver. And a bronze. Please take all the awards. Rep. Waters knows that hate feeds on cable news airtime and she's about to cut the cord. She's like, "You better get yourself a Roku, cuz you're not getting on my channel."
And then she begins some of the greatest moments in television history. Chris Hayes, bless him, is looking for a sound bite, something simple. Maxine Waters is like, "Oh, boo. I packed a lunch. We're going to be here for a minute. This show is called All In? Well, I'm going all the way in."
She says to him (please hold the hand of your neighbor for this section):
"I'm a strong black woman. And I cannot be intimidated. I cannot be undermined. I cannot be thought to be afraid of Bill O'Reilly or anybody."
Y'all, the way she says strong! I felt a fire up in my bones! That word has already been sampled by Beyonce and made into the anthem of the summer. That long "o" was like a church shout. Which makes sense, because she brought a Word.
The camera cuts back to Chris Hayes in this moment, who is full-on giggling with glee.
That's glee in Hayes.
I would pay good money to see a movie about Maxine Waters being driven around the country by Chris Hayes as she lectures him about the problems of this world and ways that he can improve his standing in life and all the people she doesn't have time for. Occasionally the camera would catch him in the rearview mirror, eyebrows popped above his glasses in surprise, having the time of his life.
In the interview, Hayes thinks this is a great place to ask a follow-up question. Maxine is like, "That was chapter one."
You know that thing where you're watching a show on Netflix and you get distracted during the credits and all of a sudden the next episode is on and now you're invested? That's Maxine Waters.
She continues, "And I'd like to say to women out there everywhere: Don't allow these right-wing talking heads, these dishonorable people, to intimidate you or scare you. Be who you are, do what you do and let us get on with discussing the real issues of this country."
Honey, every TED talk in the world just packed up and went home after that.
Hilariously, Chris Hayes thinks, again, that we're done. Here's him trying to get a word in:
Interjecting in Hayes.
In the video above, that's where they cut. But in the interview Rep. Waters was like, "Chapter Three: Return of the Kremlin Klan!"
Maxine is out here like Nick Fury in The Avengers showing up with an additional scene after the credits. You can see the whole interview below. Caution: You will jump up and shout in your office. Please alert human resources.
She continues, "We know that when a woman speaks truth to power there will be attempts to put her down.... I'm not going to go anywhere. I'm going to stay on the issues. And the issues are basically these...."
HERE. WE. GO.
She launches into a tirade against the president that turns, miraculously, into a rally! No, not a rally, a resurrection. Chris Hayes is shewk! He keeps trying to get a word in, which, frankly, seems dangerous at this point.
She is here to remind you that she doesn't have time for any of these grimy guys, these dirty dudes, these mucky men. She doesn't have time for O'Reilly or Ailes or the Kremlin Klan or Nunes or Uncle Vanya himself. All of them, in the trash.
"I know what they're trying to do," she says. "They're trying to distract.... I am not going anywhere. I'm going to stay on message."
Hayes keeps at it, bless him.
Waters: We have a responsibility as elected officials to do good public policy in the best interest of all the people.
Hayes: So—
Waters: That's what I'm going to do.
Hayes: Lemme, lemme—
Waters: I'm not going to stop.
And then she gives boo-thang Chris Hayes this Cheshire Cat grin, like "I might let you speak now. Try me."
But let it be known, unless your name is Chris Cross Hayes, you probably don't want to try it with Congresswoman Maxine Waters. She has been sopping up sloppy folks who tried to come for her for 40 years. She can read you in every language. You ever get told about yourself in Aramaic? Well, you will today.
Fact: You will never, in your entire life, get the best of Maxine Waters. When you play her, you play yourself, boo.
Watch this full video; get your whole life; don't try it with Maxine Waters.
Follow R. Eric Thomas on Twitter.
