This weekend, President Trump's thoughts were obsessively focused on the devastation in Puerto Rico what NFL players were doing with their bodies. Between Saturday and Monday morning the President of the United States sent 12 tweets about the millions of American citizens without power in the island territory his annoyance that some football players have chosen to follow Colin Kaepernick's lead in not standing during the National Anthem to protest systemic oppression of black people, particularly by members of the police force. In an impressive show of leadership, Trump pivoted from disinviting NBA champion Stephen Curry to the White House to policing the bodies of black NFL players exercising their free speech.
Healthily, Trump went on to circle back to the point multiple times over the weekend, calling on NFL commissioner Roger Goodell to fire anyone who refused to stand for the anthem.
So, if you're following at home, when you hear the anthem the president wants you to stand and not kneel or anything else.
Wait, I'm sorry. I missed this one:
Okay, sorry. We're updated. Kneeling is a no, standing is a yes, locking arms is also a yes.
Bad ratings is a no? Unclear.
The approval of the locking arms is a surprise considering some construed it to be a sign of unity against the president's divisive message.
Most, however, were dissatisfied with the somewhat ambiguous gesture.
So, where does that leave us? Well, we have a partially constructed list of things the president thinks you should or should not be doing if you are walking around an NFL field in a black body this week. Let's just keep going. Here, some guidelines that I assume the president would be okay with:
Don't kneel - Worst thing you can do in America. Kim Jong Un would kneel. Super bad.
Do stand - Super great. Captain America would do this. As would Iron Man. Unclear about Black Panther; never heard of him.
Do link arms - Good. Interesting. Patriotish. But make sure your arm is the one over, not under. Americans are always on top!
Don't cross your fingers - Terrible. Very rude. Emotionally distressing.
Do cross your fingers on opposite day - Subversive. Clever. Would you like to run the CIA?
Do put your right arm in - Good.
Don't put your right arm out - Bad!
Do put your right arm in and shake it all about - Tremendous!
Do the Hokey Pokey; turn yourself around - So respectful! That's what it's all about!
Don't throw that ass in a circle - Only during the Pledge of Allegiance
Do close your mouth when you're talking to me - I can't hear you! Do you love America or what?
Do throw your hands up - They're playing your song; butterflies fly away!
Do nod your head like yeah; do move your hips like yeah - It's a Party in the U.S.A.
And don't, under any circumstances, exercise your right to free speech by speaking, writing, tweeting, sitting, or moving your body in any way not explicitly prescribed by the President - This is America; that's not what we're about.
Follow R. Eric Thomas on Twitter.
