Congratulations and welcome to the White House! Whether you are one of the president's offspring, the spouse of someone with clear and egregious conflicts of interest, a regular ole KBG spy, a henchman from Dick Tracy, someone deeply invested in adoption, or a vengeful spirit roaming the nation ravenous with blood-lust, we're happy that you're joining our winning team!

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The first step to on-boarding is, of course, signing up for our Super Secret Health Insurance for Winners Only. It's $12 and you get to keep it for the rest of your life. If you are Steve Bannon, you get to keep it after you regenerate or find a new host or whatever it is you do. We don't understand, but we support it.

The second step is to choose your White House Exit Strategy. The most important thing to know about working at this White House is that you will definitely need to flee this White House at a moment's notice. Please carefully review the options below and choose the one that best matches your level of complicity.

Pardon?

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Choose this option if you are definitely guilty AF and have definitely not covered your tracks in any way. Like, you are going to get super indicted at some point, which is hilarious, but you're pretty sure that somebody is going to pardon you because you're a good kid who tries hard. Right? Someone is going to throw you a pardon any day now. Just sitting by the pardon phone. Waiting for that sweet, sweet pardon.

Rose's Turn

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Choose this option if you've been selflessly giving of yourself (and probably your soul, tbh) with little to no thanks or credit. You put your head down and turn the cameras off and for what? No cushy Sunday morning talking head spots, no cool nicknames, no mansion in Minsk. Just constant work and a president who barely remembers your name. Is it Sandy? Sandra? Unclear.

Well, whatever your name, starting now you bat a thousand! This time, boys, you're taking the bows and everything's coming up, Shelly! Everything's coming up, Sharma! Everything's coming up, Suzanne! This time for you.

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Choose this option if scorched Earth is more your jam. This option works best with a microphone, a cardboard crown and a throwable hamburger bun. But, if none of those are handy, we'll also take an exasperated monologue from someone who is definitely going to release a shady tell-all in about a month.

Return to Problematic Ferngully From Whence You Came

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This option currently unavailable.

Jon Snow

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Choose this option if you plan to endure a public, messy exit and then return to the White House when summoned by a bunch of sorcery. Perfect for the White House staff member who just can't get enough. Are you a zombie now? Are you a shell of your former self? Are you hell-bent on vengeance? One never knows, which makes this one of the most fun exit strategies. Will you stick around til the bitter end? Will you show up in Winds of Winter? Whose side are you on, anyway? We'll just have to tune in to find out, won't we? Democracy! So thrilling!

Pretend not to speak English until everyone leaves you alone

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Choose this option if you're into a slow burn of exit strategies. Not one for messy scenes or public meltdowns, all you have to do for this one is sit quietly and let others presume whatever their implicit biases tell them to about you.

Blast Yourself Into Space

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Choose this option if you're pretty sure this whole planet is screwed and you're outta here on whatever gadget Elon Musk has stored in his bat-cave.

Banned from Twitter

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Choose this option if you want to simply stop existing in the eyes of the president and the new WH Communications Director, Anthony Scaramucci. These two love Twitter so much. The president uses it as a place to unwittingly leave voice memos for his therapist and Scaramucci follows 168,000 people. The only person who follows more people is Taye Diggs, who will be the next White House Communications Director. If you get yourself banned from Twitter in this administration, you will automatically start fading away like Marty McFly's siblings in Back to the Future. A graceful option.

Self-Pardon

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Choose this option if, chances are, you'll be the last one out before the feds storm the place. When the time comes, you'll simply need to climb atop the Resolute desk and yell "I declare a self-pardon! I am totally innocent. I pardon myself and my son, Fredo. I don't even know why this is necessary. Everyone loves the Joker in The Dark Knight but all of the sudden when presented with 'actual crimes,' everyone's a saint. Whatever haters. I'm pardoning myself. And giving myself a raise. And a high-five. I hereby self-five."

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