In a new column for ELLE.com, R. Eric Thomas reads the news. Today, he investigates the enduring appeal of Jeff Goldblum.

Okay. As the great American poet laureate Beyoncé recently said: "Hold up."

Jeff Goldblum—bespectacled actor, dictionary definition of lanky, frequent...pauser—has suddenly gotten even hotter and I am shewk!

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Victor Chavez//Getty Images

FACT: Jeff Goldblum is 63 years old.

FACT: Jeff Goldblum's first film role was in the movie Death Wish, in which he played "Freak #1." (Oh yeah, you did, JGoldbleezy!)

FACT: And yet Jeff Goldblum is legit hotter now than he has ever been before.

Before:

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Michael Ochs Archives//Getty Images

After:

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WHAT. IS. HAPPENING?

These new Michael Schwartz pictures in Icon El Pais are literally life changing.

STAHP.

Here's the problem with Jeff Goldblum: He has a long history of surprise hotness that is seriously destabilizing. Like, you show up to a movie thinking, "I like Jeff Goldblum. His line delivery is pretty quirky. He acts well. Nice guy." And then, all of a sudden, he shows up giving you swarthy realness and you're like, "What movie is this again? Am I at home watching Cinemax? I'm going to need to take a moment right here in this Regal theater."

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Here's how I imagine every conversation between a movie executive and Jeff Goldblum goes:

Them: We want you to play, like, a creepy scientist who eventually turns into a fly. It's gross.

JG: Cool. But what if he wears the same outfit every day like a normcore zaddy? Also, I'll do tasteful nudity.

Them: We just need someone to talk about philosophy while dinosaurs eat people.

JG: I will murmur the truths of chaos theory like they are the poems of Neruda.

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Them: We have Will Smith and Harry Connick Jr. holding down the sexiness. Your part is the guy who figures out how to kill the aliens.

JG: Ah, I see. I will overwhelm them with my sensuality. I am the universal aphrodisiac. ::speaks in gibberish:: That's alien for "thirst trap."

Side note: This shot from the Independence Day: Resurgence press tour is actually my favorite recent picture of JGoldbleezy.

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Rachel Murray//Getty Images

1) Vivica A. Fox is perfection.

2) They are giving mad prom photo vibes. Leave room for Jesus, please.

3) They are hugging each other next to a FIGHTER PLANE made out of TWIZZLERS. In case you weren't sure, there is a sign that reads "Made out of Twizzlers," which is also a great Tinder profile headline.

This picture is my favorite thing because my love language is cognitive dissonance.

But let's get back to the Instagram pictures!

In this picture he's playing a professor who is possibly magic and listens to classical music while he solves crimes (oh, also he's a detective) and when you meet him for office hours he stares at you plaintively until you feel better. When you tell your parents about this they keep thinking he's your therapist. You're like, "No! Maria is my therapist. Prof. Goldblum is teaching me to paint with my soul." And your parents are like, "Whatever, Helene. Just finish your master's and move out the basement. We're trying to sell the house."

This picture is classic Goldblum. That hand placement is the physical manifestation of a random pause in the middle of a sentence. Here he's playing a father, sitting at the black-tie destination wedding of his daughter, Denise. He stares across the room, full of happy memories and a not small amount of champagne, when suddenly he sees Carol-Frances, his old boss, and he knows that the grand 30-year deception he's built around him is about to come crashing down.

The answer is obviously yes, you toothsome lynx.

Jeff Goldblum is not of this world. His glasses were made at the last LensCrafters on Krypton. His hair is woven from the silver threads of a unicorn tail. And not just any unicorn: Rufus, the Hollywood unicorn. You've heard of him. Or at the very least you know of his work. Where do you think Bey's sentient ponytail came from?

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When you go to Ollivanders—and you will go to Ollivanders—and they ask you what you want in your wand, simply reply, "Jeff Goldblum." They'll know what to do.