I am, honestly, so here for these intimations that Taylor Swift is going to drop a new album or announce her candidacy for president or something epic during the Solar Eclipse. When not even the movement of celestial bodies, set on their paths by Xenu himself, can stop your promotional team, you know you're the greatest. Your fave could never (if your fave is the moon).
The sun is done. The sun is over. Block it out. Cancel it. The sun has been getting all of this attention and I'm over it. I don't even want to hear the words "Solar Eclipse" again for the rest of the month. I won't even say the words. I just call it a Sun Thing. And thank Xenu that TayTay is giving us something to talk about other than this Sun Thing.
Taylor set the internet abuzz this morning by posting a cryptic video of a reptilian tale.
A reference to a snake? A reference to Godzilla? A reference to Rita Repulsa? No. It was more likely a reminder to be sure to moisturize because the sun is a hater and will try to dry you out and harsh your t-zone.
Taylor has your number, Sun.
After the clip came out, DJs around the world started hyping a new release during the eclipse and then things got really real.
I am so excited for Taylor Swift to make me forget that the sun exists! The shadow of the moon across the sun's surface was like "Swish, swish, bish" and Taylor was like, "Actually, you can keep it."
Here's the headline: Taylor Swift in Feud with Sun.
Here for it.
Honestly, the sun has had a good run but I'm over it. It's over exposed. It's pulling all of these diva antics. You're not allowed to look directly at it, you have to get something from a scalper in order to see it, it has a path of totality. Who does the sun think it is, J. Lo?
You are not J. Lo, Sun. You did not release "I'm Real." You did give an Oscar-worthy performance in Out of Sight. I'd like to see the Sun hold its own while acting opposite a truly crazy Ray Liotta performance in Shades of Blue. The. Sun. Could. Never. Ray Liotta in Shades of Blue is like someone said to Glenn Close, "Hey, random question, can you do a really weird Ray Liotta impression?" and Glenn Close threw her head back and screamed "CAN I? IT'S ALL I'VE EVER WANTED."
It's like that.
Can you do that, Sun?
No, you cannot.
The Sun is getting too big for its britches. It's getting too big for the universe. It's swallowing us up eventually. It's turning our teenage heartthrobs into werewolves and turning our werewolves into mild-mannered dads. It's burning our edges. I've had enough of it.
No more news about the Sun Thing.
The moon and the sun want to do an awkward do-si-do in the sky? Right in front of my salad? No thanks. Keep it to yourself. If the sun wants my attention, it should work on getting a guest spot on Taylor's new album.
Follow R. Eric Thomas on Twitter.
