Like an irate sports fan on the horn with his favorite drive-time sports radio broadcast, Donald Trump called into the President Breakfast Hour this morning to yell about how not angry he is. In a rambling, very on-brand monologue, the president ranted about James Comey, the news media, the Department of Justice, the tilt of the Earth's axis, the Walgreen's that won't accept an expired coupon, and the New York subway system. It was another banner performance in this, the Golden Age of Rich, Powerful People Screaming About Being Persecuted.
The conversation started amiably enough with Trump telling the hosts of President Breakfast Hour that he had decided to call them because it was Melania's birthday. As you are, of course, aware, the first lady's birthday is the day that all Americans set aside to call their favorite television shows and further complicate their legal defenses. (I have an appointment in a few moments to ring up The Good Place and make wild claims about being the Lindbergh baby.) The hosts asked Trump what he got Melania for her birthday and after some vocal shuffling he announced he'd gotten her a card and some flowers. "I'm very busy to be running out looking for presents," said the man who has an entire staff at his disposal and owns multiple companies that produce very fine tacky gifts. Perhaps Mrs. Trump would like a necktie or a free round of golf? A well-done steak of middling quality?
I have some follow-up questions about this card. He had time to (have some intern) get a card, but he didn't have time to go on Amazon.com, search "First Lady gifts," scroll through pages of "I'm With Her" shirts, and then click purchase on a mug that reads "World's Best Complict-er"? Odd.
What did he write in this card? "Thanks for never revealing the secret of the Wu?" Did he sign it with his serial killer scrawl like he did Kanye's MAGA hat?
(No, we are not talking about Kanye. We cannot discuss him in front of company. Thank you for your attention to this matter.)
The first lady's birthday wasn't the real reason Trump showed up on Fox, however. The real reason was because it's Bring Your Child to Work Day.
Like a toddler running amok through whatever it is y'all do at your open air office concept, Trump proceeded to launch into a scattershot lecture that left the hosts stunned and scrambling to keep up.
As the president ramped up, the Fox & Friends hosts (whose names I have yet to learn, but I assume one of them is Ms. Fox and the others are her Friends) stared into the camera, cycling between blank trauma and aghast incredulity. It is a facial expression most commonly seen on The Great British Baking Show when things are not going well. Trump, who was either not watching in real time or doesn't pick up on very obvious social cues, soldiered on with his cake wreck of a lecture.
Pivoting to James Comey, the president began full on screaming into the phone like a character on Scandal. Imagine Donald Trump, sitting at his absolutely empty desk in the Oval Office, on the phone with a television show, shouting full-throated into a receiver about the Justice Department and try to tell me we're not living in the greatest time in history.
By the way, if you're keeping score, that's one card for Melania, a hat for Kanye, and none for the Justice Department, the Gretchen Weiners of the executive branch.
At least one of the Friends of Fox and Friends wasn't having it. Friend One shouted back, "It's your Justice Department! You've got a Republican running it!" Which feels... accurate but also... not how this is supposed to work. Logic had no place here, however.
The president was undeterred, spinning his hit track, "Witch Hunt," before cross-fading into a new spoken word piece in which he painted a vivid picture of the effect of the FBI's raids on Michael Cohen's door and Paul Manafort's wife.
The "interview" went on for much longer, allowing Trump the opportunity to claim that he doesn't watch television, suggest that if he held a rally millions would show up (is this a goodbye party or...?), and elaborate on his bromance with Kanye West. In response to Chance the Rapper's tweet, Friend Two asked Trump if the Republican party had ignored the black community "up until now," presumably meaning the last twelve hours. Trump replied, "Well, I think it was just the custom." Which. Boy. Wow. That is definitely one way of putting it.
Anyway, another banner day in this terrible simulation of America, a land of many "customs." Between the president's "angry voicemail from your estranged step-dad" phone call and Kanye's "come on, deep down you knew this would happen" tweet storm, we need to put all communications in rice. Wifi routers, cellphones, the dial-up modem in the sunken place, all of it. Vow of silence in America. Shhh.
Follow R. Eric Thomas on Twitter.
